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That’s already been said but liking someone only goes so far and with this new semester coming things are gonna change. I need change. I’m hoping.. for an amazing fall semester and to be surrounded by amazing people with the same passion that I have.
As far as the guy? It’ll come to a close with time and how busy we get. Which is fine. Time instead of fighting seems like a perfect way to end things. On good happy terms. But damn baby I can’t say I’m not enjoying the ride as we go along. It’s fine I get mine and you get yours, there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t feel wrong about it and I absolutely will not apologize for my actions regardless of whom they may or may not hurt now or in the near future.. though I’m sure that sense shit tends to happen to me this will come back to bite me in the ass and I might regret it.

I need to go buy a plan b tomorrow and cross my fingers and hope and pray that it works since last time it didn’t take and while that ended greatly for me since I got kaylin this isn’t the same situation in any form. Worser guy. even worser situation and worse drama. No more babies for me. I know my choice would be different this time then when I had kaylin.

Anyways I had a good weekend. Hung out. Worked. Baby. Hung out with the guy. Same old same old.

Life is good and I can only see it getting better from here.

oxox

It’s gonna be a good day.

Hellooooooo helllooo hellllooooo

This feeling sucks. Time for 100% withdrawal from everything and the situation most importantly. Cause I can’t keep going on feeling like this!! It’s horrible. I know what I needs to do I just gotta do it! I will achieve this by the end of the week!!

Two steps forward.. One step back. I can’t seem to get it right.. but who cares. It’s not bothering my work school or most importantly my daughters life. I’m doing me.. I’m doing what feels good and while I may be crossing some lines.. I have no regret. I don’t even have guilt or remorse anymore. It is what it is.

I guess I should of asked how you felt but that’s a question I already know the answer too. Maybe it should of been left at fun and games… I would of been fine with that. Somehow I let my emotion get the better of me.. As well as letting my friend take over my phone. I know I scared you off .. and while I miss you I know it’s the best thing possible for me. Because in the long run it would of been worse. I really just wish I could of known what you said or what she said to you.. that way it wouldn’t bug me.. and I wouldn’t keep wondering what was said that made you run away. It’s annoying how much I miss you and sucks balls but it is the best possible outcome for me.

So now it’s the game of wait and see how long it’ll take for this annoying ass feeling to be over.

Don’t get it twisted.. I was never in love with you and I know my emotions wouldn’t head there.. but I sure did like you a lot more then I damn well thought I would or could of. I never saw It coming because I thought I was playing the game but somehow I got caught up in it and found myself missing you more then I thought I would and liking you a lot more then I wanted too. But love like you joke around about or thought I felt? Please. That’s not a possibility for me to feel for you. I just miss the companionship.. but it’ll be easy to find somewhere else.. just this bitchin feeling needs to go away.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

I’m not good at walking away from things. I know in my gut that I need to walk away from this, and I did I thought I did.. but I got pulled back in. The funny thing is that I don’t even really want to be with him.. I just want him in general. I don’t feel good about myself, and I don’t know how to walk away. Hopefully my friend scared him off enough and he’s like fuck this shit, this bitch is crazy. That would be good.. because you can’t keep talking to someone who isn’t talking to you.. right? I’m also annoyed because I’ve gotten no reply.. but the guilt of it is gone. There are so many things I can work on to be better.. make myself better.. the person I want to be and that’s what I need to focus on. It’s just hard when your head is banging around a name constantly. No other name, just this name. 

I absofuckinglutely hate this feeling.
Time right?
Just a couple weeks and it’ll be all done.
I’ll be over it.

Fuck me, how’d I get myself here?
Feeling this way over someone I DON’T want a commitment with.
Maybe its the danger, the rebellion.. the fact that he made me feel alive for the first time in a long time. 
How the fuck did I get myself here?!
Can time just clear my fucking my mind already?

I need to be a better person. I was before and somehow that part of me got chipped away. I could sum it up to getting sick and not being able to drink. Maybe I was so thirsty that I wanted something I couldn’t control in another aspect of my life.. but I thought I could handle it and I obviously can’t. The guilt eats me a live and I feel like it’s chipping away at pieces of my soul.
I realize now that I need to be that person I was before. That I need to be better and do better then I have been doing. I need to be an example of the women my daughter deserves. I wouldn’t want her to be in my situation or vise versa. So I’m ending things. It won’t be easy but I know it’ll be worth it. I can place my focus on what really matters.
Now that that’s out of the way and delt with I need to deal with time management. Delaying school for a little while longer so I can spend more time with my daughter is something else I need to do.
Sorry baby girl I’ve been off my game for awhile but now I’m getting back on it.. I’m so focused on school and work I’m missing parts of my daughters life I don’t wanna miss out on. Esp since two tears old to three is such a big change.. I don’t wanna miss a second of it. C

Ahh

….. I don’t know!

I’d do it again. As wrong as I know it is. As bad as the situation is. I knew what I was getting myself into and now.. I don’t know how to walk away. Everything about him.. about the situation is something I should stay away from but I can’t help myself. I thought after the weekend I’d be over it and want him less but now I want him.. I want it even more. It is what it is right? Hopefully I can stop before I get in even deeper. I know I need to. It’ll eat me alive and consume my soul.

Sex

The beast has been awaken.. and nothing can stop it now.

I can’t stop

Sooo I did it. It felt good at the time.. and the moments after while we were together but I don’t feel good about it now. It’s not who I am. Or the person I want to be because I know how it feels to be on the other side. Now I’m on the other side of the other side and it doesn’t feel any better. It feels cruel. It felt good at the moment and I definitely wanted it.. but now it’s sinking in. I wonder how I got here. Maybe it’s the pieces of myself I lost during my sickness.. but as bad as it feels to be the other women.. I know I can’t stop. So I need him too. That should be easy.

But further she went
Letting it swallow her
The darkness surrounded her
She didn’t notice
She couldn’t feel it
Her soul had already been consumed
She was bad and now she was terrible
Did she care?
Could she feel?
She was lost in the lust of it all
She wanted him
And to have him
She would loose the rest of herself
But it didn’t matter now
She was gone
In the darkness
He’d taken the last of her heart
& all that was left were shadows

asker

Anonymous asked: What do you want from me?

The same thing I want from anyone in my life at this time and period. A beautiful friendship and maybe something just physical.