Aunt flow is here. The freaking out is over! :)

Retook a test. Negative!! I’m beyond happy!! So much for those dollar store ones!!!!!!

Af.. where are you?

Yeah.. it’s over. After I find out if A is coming.. I’m just cutting all strings with s and j Focusing on school.. work and kaylin. Doing what I need to do. It’s all I have time for.. and who knows maybe the new semester will bring me something… someone good.. and is actually good for me. Someone who motivates me and I can do the same for them. I hope so.

Shawn and Joe.. or that’s what I call them.

I feel like I’m getting myself into something that I won’t be able to get out of. At least not with my sanity, and even my safety. I’m never this careless, reckless or stupid but at this point I just feel like I give up and sacrifice so much that I deserve some fun. some kind ofrelease so maybe its not that wrong? I’m hurting someone, not just one person but more then one and I honestly feel nothing. I want what I want and I don’t feel like it’s something I should apologize for. We’ll call them Shawn and Joe. Shawn is someone I care so much for, I always have. I mean.. at one point I loved him but now its carefree, and I don’t really care where it goes. Maybe going down this path with him is destroying the memory of what it was.. he told me that I finally remind of the girl he first met, the girl he first fell in love with.. it took seven years or more to get me back to that point? I also don’t feel the same. Not in anyway. I’d like to say I’m different for the better and in some ways with my actions now, for the worse.
   Then there’s Joe. It is carefree, and completely reckless. It’s easier because he doesn’t live here. There’s no attachment. I don’t have to worry about whatever happens with us getting back to anyone else. There’s also no jealousy or worry. Because I don’t give a shit. He’s a whore who had/has a girlfriend.. and while it bugged me it doesn’t anymore. Again I want what I want, and while this is a short term thing.. I’m so addicted to the sex and conversations. I can’t help it.
 Working so much is killing me. I’ve never been so tired. I gotta get up and work tomorrow, then try to write a paper then go to school. It’s going to be the longest day ever… maybe I’ll be able to fit Shawn in there somewhere. 

Six days. Or well hopefully less then that. Honestly if it was one day that’d be awesome. I have never wanted my period so badly, well except for that one other time and that one other time before that.. but this one is nerve-wrecking and stressing me out. It’s stressing every inch and part of me out. It needs to be here like, now. Helllo aunt flow, where are you? I’m so paranoid I’ve started doing those free ovulation calendars which of course all tell me different fucking things! I don’t knoww it’s just about waiting and seeing now isn’t it? I wish I wasn’t so fucking impatient. Because if I don’t see aunt flow, this is the wrong guy, wrong time, wrong everything, wrong for my family and so much more. I NEED MY PERIOD TO COME

I don’t know what I’m doing.. In the sense of my personal “love” life. I keep making stupid stupid choices.. In my professional and mom life I’m going above and beyond.. doing what’s best and going hard core. But my personal love life? I’m just doing stupid and keep going and forth. I’m stupid in the bedroom stupid by hurting other people when I know about things.. and while I’m being emotionless as possible it’s getting complicated.. I’m also praying for aunt flow to get here as soon as possible.. only one more week till SHE WILL BE HERE. I keep taking test and they are negative so that’s good! Ahhhh… I should walk away but I can’t. I know it’ll fizzle out on its own when we both get busy with our own lives… so should I just let it fizzle.. yes.

Be good. Do good. Get good in return. That’s how karma works right? I think karma is giving me a good ass kicking for my actions but I can’t say that it’s not well deserved. Figures… right?

Options

That’s already been said but liking someone only goes so far and with this new semester coming things are gonna change. I need change. I’m hoping.. for an amazing fall semester and to be surrounded by amazing people with the same passion that I have.
As far as the guy? It’ll come to a close with time and how busy we get. Which is fine. Time instead of fighting seems like a perfect way to end things. On good happy terms. But damn baby I can’t say I’m not enjoying the ride as we go along. It’s fine I get mine and you get yours, there’s nothing wrong with that. I don’t feel wrong about it and I absolutely will not apologize for my actions regardless of whom they may or may not hurt now or in the near future.. though I’m sure that sense shit tends to happen to me this will come back to bite me in the ass and I might regret it.

I need to go buy a plan b tomorrow and cross my fingers and hope and pray that it works since last time it didn’t take and while that ended greatly for me since I got kaylin this isn’t the same situation in any form. Worser guy. even worser situation and worse drama. No more babies for me. I know my choice would be different this time then when I had kaylin.

Anyways I had a good weekend. Hung out. Worked. Baby. Hung out with the guy. Same old same old.

Life is good and I can only see it getting better from here.

oxox

It’s gonna be a good day.

Hellooooooo helllooo hellllooooo

This feeling sucks. Time for 100% withdrawal from everything and the situation most importantly. Cause I can’t keep going on feeling like this!! It’s horrible. I know what I needs to do I just gotta do it! I will achieve this by the end of the week!!

Two steps forward.. One step back. I can’t seem to get it right.. but who cares. It’s not bothering my work school or most importantly my daughters life. I’m doing me.. I’m doing what feels good and while I may be crossing some lines.. I have no regret. I don’t even have guilt or remorse anymore. It is what it is.

I guess I should of asked how you felt but that’s a question I already know the answer too. Maybe it should of been left at fun and games… I would of been fine with that. Somehow I let my emotion get the better of me.. As well as letting my friend take over my phone. I know I scared you off .. and while I miss you I know it’s the best thing possible for me. Because in the long run it would of been worse. I really just wish I could of known what you said or what she said to you.. that way it wouldn’t bug me.. and I wouldn’t keep wondering what was said that made you run away. It’s annoying how much I miss you and sucks balls but it is the best possible outcome for me.

So now it’s the game of wait and see how long it’ll take for this annoying ass feeling to be over.

Don’t get it twisted.. I was never in love with you and I know my emotions wouldn’t head there.. but I sure did like you a lot more then I damn well thought I would or could of. I never saw It coming because I thought I was playing the game but somehow I got caught up in it and found myself missing you more then I thought I would and liking you a lot more then I wanted too. But love like you joke around about or thought I felt? Please. That’s not a possibility for me to feel for you. I just miss the companionship.. but it’ll be easy to find somewhere else.. just this bitchin feeling needs to go away.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

I’m not good at walking away from things. I know in my gut that I need to walk away from this, and I did I thought I did.. but I got pulled back in. The funny thing is that I don’t even really want to be with him.. I just want him in general. I don’t feel good about myself, and I don’t know how to walk away. Hopefully my friend scared him off enough and he’s like fuck this shit, this bitch is crazy. That would be good.. because you can’t keep talking to someone who isn’t talking to you.. right? I’m also annoyed because I’ve gotten no reply.. but the guilt of it is gone. There are so many things I can work on to be better.. make myself better.. the person I want to be and that’s what I need to focus on. It’s just hard when your head is banging around a name constantly. No other name, just this name. 

I absofuckinglutely hate this feeling.
Time right?
Just a couple weeks and it’ll be all done.
I’ll be over it.

Fuck me, how’d I get myself here?
Feeling this way over someone I DON’T want a commitment with.
Maybe its the danger, the rebellion.. the fact that he made me feel alive for the first time in a long time. 
How the fuck did I get myself here?!
Can time just clear my fucking my mind already?