grow up

I don’t play games and I don’t find it attractive when others do so. Why wait to respond to a text, or miss a call if your obviously right by your phone? If you like someone just freaking say so. I hate the he said, she said back and forth bullcrap. If I want to talk to you I’ll do so, and if I don’t I won’t respond- like ever. I don’t believe in trying to make the other person jealous or playing little games like that. I’m in my twenties, too grown for that shit. I enjoy flirting, and the occasional dirty texting but i’ve got no time for high school games. I actually have no time for dating. so this post is pointless.

He’s not..


I kissed him
Yea, I kissed him like I meant it
Even though, I knew
I knew
He wasn’t coming home with me
He was leaving with her
But I put all of myself into that kiss
He wasn’t mine
He’d never stay grounded
But I kissed him
& I threw, oh I threw
All of myself into it

I wished for all of him
I wanted him to stay with me
Even though everything was wrong with us
He made my whole world into something else
He was my crazy ever after

I kissed him, yea I kissed him
and I threw all of myself into that kissed
and he leaned in just a little
but all of me knew he was going home with her
but I kissed him anyway

Wrist or collar bone placement. "I wished and wished .. until I got you, and you set me free.. my sweet kaylin"

Wrist or collar bone placement.

"I wished and wished .. until I got you, and you set me free.. my sweet kaylin"

(Source: weheartit.com, via coracii)

Dead

I’m a corpse
I’m dead on the inside
Watching life go
As I’m just riding through the motions
I can’t feel
I’m doing something bad and I can’t even feel that
I’m doing anything to feel
But I can’t stop
I can’t feel
Even when I talk to you
Or him
It’s motionless
I’m watching
Just watching
And feeling nothing
Work goes by
School goes by
And I feel nothing
Make me feel
I need to do something
Maybe something stupid
To make me feel
I hope you make feel something.

I don’t want more kids.
One is enough.
If I ever phantom the idea of having another one it wouldn’t be till after my phd.. which would be at least 8 years plus.
If I got pregnant in between. . I’d exercise my right to choose.
I don’t get why that’s so hard to understand and why people aren’t supportive of that fact.
I choose my daughter I have now and the future I can provide for her.
I choose her and my career over anything else.
I wish people understood that and supported me.
But I chose this and I’m ready to walk the path. 0

I would.

You, are beautiful

I think you’re absolutely beautiful, I dream of us, and it has nothing to do with how you look, but about how you think. You take my breath away. It’s the way you talk, the way your passion for the things you love shine through. The way you look at me when I’m talking, like I’m the only person in the world. I feel like you look right through me. Like you see me, really see me and don’t hold back. It’s how smart you are, and the way I know I can’t have you, but want every inch of you. So here it is, the words I wish I could say to you, but will never be able to. I wish life was easy, and you’d see me the same way. But here it is, a shorter version of my dream, whenever I’m around you, I can’t take my eyes off of you. I wish it could be, and I’ll keep thinking about you until I’m able to forget about you. So here it is, all the words I wish you felt about me.

Never Said

Never Said

              As the cold air touched my face, it quickly sent chills down my spine and goosebumps rose along my back. I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath. Great, more spine-tingling chills. I looked down at my gigantic feet and tried to bury them deep into the sand. The grainy sand rejected them with ease, keeping my feet above ground. I rested my head on my shoulder, looking over to the right. He refused to look at me. He looked at his feet instead; or, maybe he was looking at my feet and my feeble attempts to hide them in the sand. He reached for my hand, but quickly snapped his back like an angry crocodile after missing its prey. I bit my lip hard, causing blood to trickle on my tongue and the taste of old nails filled my mouth. I knew what I wanted to say, but everything was trapped, lumped deeply in the back of my throat. He scratched his dirty blonde hair and looked out into the ocean. The gentle, orange sun seemed to rise just as quickly as we had seen it set. Had we been here that long? As he opened his mouth to speak, lines of saliva broke apart on his soft pink lips. Nothing but a gasp of air came out. I could hear his heart beating harshly, prepared to jump out of his chest. I wondered if he could hear mine too. I wrapped my long bony fingers into my soft black hair and began twisting and pulling nervously. Speak! I screamed in my head so loudly, I believed he could hear it. His angelic blue eyes, looked into mine. Refusing to break eye contact, he turned me into stone. The ocean roared loudly, beating against the rocks. I think it was yelling at us. He laid his hand on my ice cold cheek. I shut my eyes and leaned my cheek into his hand, accepting the darkness that surrounded us. He opened his mouth in another attempt to release words, but I stopped it with a kiss.  A kiss so great it consumed us, and it was all we needed to not say.

What would you choose?

If it came down to it?
What would you choose?
Love or your career? 
I keep asking everyone this, and people surprise me with their answers.
I already know what I would choose.
I’ve given up my futureto many times
On romances that wouldn’t last.
So I choose me.
I would rather have a career I love, versus some future potential lover, that I’ll end up not loving in a few years.
Don’t get me wrong.
Love is amazing.
But I choose psychology.
I choose the potential future that I can have in psychology.
The way someone feels, after.. or during a date
I feel from giving advice to a friend.
I love being the person everyone goes to, for advice.
I get pure joy, and happiness from knowing that I helped someone out.
I love teaching psychology, helping someone understand it.
Making myself understand it, I love that feeling.
If that was the only feeling I could have..
and I could never be with someone.. or have this “true love” shit
I believe, I would be okay.
I long for my future, the career that I know I’ll have.
Versus some crappy job for some.. potentially great guy.
Love doesn’t last.
Not for me anyway.
I’ve always fallen out of love, or it just ends badly.
But after tweleve plus years
I have never fallen out of love with psychology.

So yes.
I choose my future in psychology
over some guy.

He took little pieces of me.
Fragments so small.. I didn’t notice.
Not until it was over.
I had to put myself back together.
Figure out what it meant to be just me.
Not you and I
Which was what I wanted.
What my heart got use too.

Now that I’m whole
Now that I’m finally put back together
Now that I know what it means to be me.
Commitment scares me.
I finally know what it means to be me and I will not stray from that. I plan on enjoying it
I am me and I love me.. The me without you.

The thought of you makes my heart skip a beat.. The idea of you… makes my chest flutter.

Tags: heart crush

i..

I got sick again.
At a point in time, where everything was put together.
At a point in time where I was completely on track and thought that I had everything and was going to have everything.
School was going amazing.
Work was easy.
Kaylin was more then amazing, 
I had a perfect vacation with Shaunna, I got to see two best friends who moved to nor-cal.
Then on the way home I got sick.
Landed in two hospitals.
Then came home, only to get sick again.
Back in two hospitals
Then back home.
Only to stay in the hospital for over a week.
I feel likeI lost it all.
I’m so angry.
So mad at the world.
So angry at the doctors for not being able to figure out what’s wrong with me. 
Mad at myself. wondering if I never went on vacation if it would of happened. 
Mad at the world, but trying to move forward. 
I did chop off all my hair.because the hospital didn’t brush my hair.
I chopped my hair off to boy length
Then shaved the sides.
I’m on three different medications.
They make me feel like shit. They make me stupider and give me difficulty concentrating.
I’d give anything to stop, to make it stop, make it never happen again.
Kaylin… I feel .. feels it.I know my dissaperance from her life for that week or two weeks affected her.. her being bounced around to whoever could watch her. 

but in the end, with the meds, I don’t feel like me. I wish I did. I’m a corpse.