You and I
Should have never started
We touch it’s not something to walk away from
It’s the way we are
You think you understand me
and I think read you so easily
But we both know what’s on the surface
We’re both unavailable
But we feed on the greed of the need
Of wanting each other
We’ll never be together
You think you’ve got me
and I think I’ve got you
but we’re both just crazy
Cause we know where this stands
Cause’ you call me baby
and I say I miss you
but we’re not enough for each other
Even though in the end we’re the same
Our hearts are unattainable
You’re angry with your walls up
Playing games, without a care
Denying every tear, you allow no fears
You say I miss you
and I call you baby
I’m neurotic; your favorite kind
I say I miss you
and you call me baby
But we’re not each other’s only ones
You and I
You and I
The truth is that there’s no you and I
Even though I’m beyond tired, I’m actually pretty exhausted it’s been a good week. Just a week of working, kaylin, working, kaylin, kaylin, working, and some downtown to myself here and there.
Which brings me to next week starting.. school.. work.. kaylin.. kaylin.. school school.. work.. I need to quit one of my jobs and just have more time to focus on school and kaylin. While I’m doing less school its still such a crazy full-time load. I just hope I don’t burn out! I’m enjoying it, and I actually think I could be able to handle both jobs since they are both part time and having kaylin and school.. it pretty much just depends on my school load and how hard my classes are.. I have a feeling two will be easy and the other two.. will be a struggle.
No habla espanol and I’m taking spanish two and I’ve already forgotten everything from spanish one.
something like that, hopefully it comes back to me or I can watch a youtube video. My personal life, outside of my amazing daughter and work and school.. is good. Really good. Things are picking up, changing… and I’m ready for it.
J and I.. are.. well what we always are. A simple nothing, with a touch of.. something? I don’t know how else to describe it, it’s easy.. it relaxes me. It’s nice to miss someone without missing them too much and knowing that they miss you too. As well as having someone there who is able to meet .. or mostly meet your physical needs. I’m pretty certian it’ll run its course after this semester with him starting school and me going full time in everything.. but it was a fun summer.. hopefully there’s a couple times out of it.. hah.. its good though.. no one’s attached, no one’s jealous.. and no one’s getting hurt.. it’s good vibes all around.
I’m dating.. or starting to date. It’s complicated haha. We’ll see how these potential dates pan out.. I still don’t want something serious but.. I’m deff curious to see what happens next with these dates.. potential dates.. even if they go horribly.. I’m excited.
life’s great.. now if only i could get an extra week off of school.
I want it all!
I want it all, and now I know that I’m more then capable of getting it. There’s so many things that I haven’t done, or that I’ve stopped myself from doing because I didn’t feel capable or worthy.. but it’s no longer like that. I want everything and anything that’s left after that. Because I know I can get it and I deserve it.
My health, my body, my beauty, my school, my work, my daughter, my dating life, my single life, and everything in-between. I am more then capable of having a handle on it and still being the best fucking mother and father I know I can be.
On that note, I’m busting my ass working, school, and having a very lack of a social life for my child.. (with the exception of an occasional fling or so..) In the end I know it will pay off. I’m missing out on somethings, but I still get all the time in the world with her. I get to work, go to school and I get to have fun. She is happy, healthy, balanced and her psychological and physical needs are beyond met.
An Addict’s Mentality.
Does the mentality of an addict ever change? I don’t believe so. I believe its possible for an addict to become sober that’s pretty obvious but for an addict to change the ways that they learned as an addict is something I’ve never seen. I’m not talking about all addicts, but just some of them.
The ability to lie, manipulate to get their drugschanges and they place their manipulation into other things, other aspects of their lives. It’s something so subtle I don’t believe that they notice it, but as an addict you know what you want, you know how to get it it, you know the right things to say and do to get it and then you place your mind onto getting it. It’s the same thing.
Everything just becomes replaced.
So if an addict is using their powers they learned as a drunk for good, then that’s not really an issue. It’s when becoming involved with an addict and their old techniques they use to use as an addict turn into hurting other people, not with drugs or their addiction because at this point its taken care of but when they apply that mentality into other aspects of their lives. It becomes dangerous.
It could be said the same of everyone, we know how to get something we want, if we want it badly enough we know what words to use and how to play it. It’s like when we’re a child and we really wanted that piece of candy, (think of psychology learning and behavior) its the same methods that an addict uses, that we tend to use as well. However it comes off differently from an addict.
They still get cold, harsh, and cruel if they don’t obtain what it is that they are looking for. It’s a dangerous cycle, but no matter how sober the person becomes that cycle tends to still be there.
I’m not saying its always bad, but a tiger can shed its fur but it can never change its stripes.
Which brings me to a future paper I hope to write. The mentality of individuals in A.A (the 12 step program, attending meetings and so forth) what happens, and how often is the line between recovering addicts using each other crossed. How often are women or men who are attending A.A meetings preyed upon by the opposite or same sex?
A.A meetings are a place of safety, where members can talk about their addictions, and whatever else they have going on. But how often have I heard from A.A members that, “it’s so easy to get laid at a meeting, I don’t even have to try” or how often have I heard, “I need to be careful, people have warned me about men/women who prey on new members” a place of safety which leads to other types of violence? addiction? Where is the line drawn and how often does this line get crossed.
In the society that is A.A i’ve heard that, “its a right of passage, you learn”
J.. came down for a day, or less haha.
I’m really happy that he did, it was fun.. reckless but fun.
Really, really, really, really, reckless
Like, “Gina why do you keep doing it when you know the possible consequences?”
it might be because its such a turn on, even the consequences are a turn on. The want, the need, the feel consumes me and just takes over..its so physical I have no emotional control.
I love our arrangement.. while I wish it was more convenient and that there were less strings attached, the whole part of missing someone.. makes you want them more so I really enjoy that. I’m guilty I know, but I’m also unapologetic.
I also just, need to start being safe about it. Being adamant. It’s been two months of this.. so let’s see how long it can last. Two months and three visits? It’s perfect for the life of Gina right now.
However, it’s disgusting the way he talks about women, the way he talks about certain things. It’s rude, low and rather really immature. There’s no respect, no line, no boundaries. But shit, that’s not what I’m looking for. The perfect guy for my needs at this moment, this ain’t love, love has nothing to do with it, it ain’t about anything besides having a.. “decent’ conversation and some good sex. Not the best sex, but its pretty damn great. And if I can continue to get it with how it is right now?
Nothing.. but sex, coffee and smokes.
It’s the perfect situation, since I would never find myself falling in love with this guy, yet I still manage to have such a strong attraction to him.. its the perfect.. Friends With Benefits.. situation. I hope nothing changes, because it’s keeping my private parts happy.
Don’t get it twisted. You know what I want you to know about me, nothing more nothing less. How you perceive me is exactly what I asked for.
Except for s.
I didn’t think you’d go to those levels with me. I know we’ve fought and shits gotten ugly but you’ve never been disrespectful or absolutely cold to me. So for this to come from you? For you to go there with me? To go to the darkest parts of my soul that had been nicely kept away and taken care of? For you to bring them up to me and use them against me hurts more then anything I said or didn’t want from you. I should of left it as a nicely broken up exes relationship because you took it to far.
The one thing I’d never thought you’d say to me you said. It’s cold.
Because I was sleeping with j? Because I was letting something consume me that means nothing but sex? You really think I’d disrespect myself that much or be that stupid to think a relationship would work with someone like that? I told you what he was to me and what you were and where I stood on everything. He gets it and he’s fine with it. How could you not be? You know me better and while I love the fact that you say I’m lessening my worth by doing what I was doing with j. It was exactly what I wanted. Hello he’s sleeping around got girls on speed dial. You really thought I was still that version of Gina who’d want more from a narcissistic compulsive liar who tries to fill his emotional void with women?
Um. S.. I’m not eighteen years old anymore. Did you ever think that it could of been the other way around. That I was using him more then he was using me? That I wanted it because I enjoyed the attention. The sex and it was easy because it was easy to have and easy to quit. Who are you to tell me what I can’t and can’t do?
I’m sorry I hurt you.. but what you did was lower then what I did or where I would ever go.
So fuck you. Who the fuck cares what irrational choices I make. They aren’t yours to judge.
Well iiiiiiii am into deeep
I’m a little butthurt.. I’ll admit it. But shit happens and you live and you learn. Just gotta breathe.. remain calm and strong.. and focus your energy on something else.. for me that’s working out and getting back into shape. Things happen for a reason.. people come and go into your life for a reason and while I don’t know what these reasons are yet I know it’s better to have tried and see what the road had to offer then regret it and always wonder what could of and would happened. No more wondering for me.. I chose the path and now the world wants to set me up on a new one.. even if it means letting go of things I don’t want to let go of. So here’s to putting my energy into working out… let’s see what’s next.
Time to back up..
And make some changes.
Aunt flow is here. The freaking out is over! :)
Retook a test. Negative!! I’m beyond happy!! So much for those dollar store ones!!!!!!
Af.. where are you?
Yeah.. it’s over. After I find out if A is coming.. I’m just cutting all strings with s and j Focusing on school.. work and kaylin. Doing what I need to do. It’s all I have time for.. and who knows maybe the new semester will bring me something… someone good.. and is actually good for me. Someone who motivates me and I can do the same for them. I hope so.
Shawn and Joe.. or that’s what I call them.
I feel like I’m getting myself into something that I won’t be able to get out of. At least not with my sanity, and even my safety. I’m never this careless, reckless or stupid but at this point I just feel like I give up and sacrifice so much that I deserve some fun. some kind ofrelease so maybe its not that wrong? I’m hurting someone, not just one person but more then one and I honestly feel nothing. I want what I want and I don’t feel like it’s something I should apologize for. We’ll call them Shawn and Joe. Shawn is someone I care so much for, I always have. I mean.. at one point I loved him but now its carefree, and I don’t really care where it goes. Maybe going down this path with him is destroying the memory of what it was.. he told me that I finally remind of the girl he first met, the girl he first fell in love with.. it took seven years or more to get me back to that point? I also don’t feel the same. Not in anyway. I’d like to say I’m different for the better and in some ways with my actions now, for the worse.
Then there’s Joe. It is carefree, and completely reckless. It’s easier because he doesn’t live here. There’s no attachment. I don’t have to worry about whatever happens with us getting back to anyone else. There’s also no jealousy or worry. Because I don’t give a shit. He’s a whore who had/has a girlfriend.. and while it bugged me it doesn’t anymore. Again I want what I want, and while this is a short term thing.. I’m so addicted to the sex and conversations. I can’t help it.
Working so much is killing me. I’ve never been so tired. I gotta get up and work tomorrow, then try to write a paper then go to school. It’s going to be the longest day ever… maybe I’ll be able to fit Shawn in there somewhere.