Soo I now have a boyfriend :)

           If you read my last post, then you know what I’m talking about. About online dating, and wanting to find a relationship. Guess what? I’ve found one. It’s amazing. Passionate, angry, hard, lovely and pretty much everything in-between. It’s everything a women can ask for.
       I hate those words. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. I should run the other way. I know I should, because as the biggest commitaphobe.. admitting that I wanted a relationship lead to several good things. 
 I’m the happiest I’ve been in a long time, and with this guy I’m finding better peace within myself. He pushes me to be a better person. I feel better after hanging out with him. He makes me happy- but he does not define my happiness. Cause you know, no man will ever define me. 
    I had known him before, we met previously and dated casually off and on.. but it never actually lead to anything serious. We both weren’t ready and looking back on the twenty year old Gina.. 

Twenty Year Old Gina: BEEEEEEER PONG!!! Whatttt drug is that wait, I don’t care lets rock and roll.. I’m so hungover, lets get a bloody Mary.
Twenty-Five Year Old Gina: Wake up, with Kaylin. Go to school, go to work, hang out with Kaylin, study until 3am

    So here I am on 21, October, 2014 in a committed relationship. It scares the crap out of me because it’s been two years since I’ve had one. As well as the fact that I have a two year old daughter who will be part of this equation. (note to all guys who date a single mother: they are a package. you date and love both or date and love none) 
      So before committing myself, I had to ask myself.. Can he be apart of my daughters life? Can he be a positive influence. I quickly found out that answer is yes. Kaylin absolutely loves when he’s around.
      I wouldn’t say I’m in love come to think of it; I’ve never said I love you first to a guy. But… I’m in love. Yep. This is the first time ever, I’ve said it first. I LOVE HIM!
     
His name, is exercise. Yep. You read all that bullshit, to learn that I’ve committed myself to exercise and fitness. It’s hard as shit. And man do I f**king love food. But it is the best damn relationship I could have chosen. 
     So what does this mean? I’ve challenged myself to commit to this relationship and no other relationships outside of my daughter, family and friends. 
     It’s not to say I’ve given up on dating. I just believe that there’s better things to do then looking around online for it or going out on horrible blind dates. Plus I know me, I enjoy the relationship, but find myself seriously bored after some time. (Which was actually all I wanted, someone to enjoy time with someone before shit gets real in grad school and social life becomes non existent) 

…. ok so it’ll be a while longer then that before i’m in grad school. But you get my point. Because let’s face it, at the end of the day I will always choose myself and my daughter, and some family and friends. So as much as I love the idea of love.. I’ve got the next seven years of my life planned out and I don’t intend on changing it for anyone. 

So excuse me while, exercise and I go to find a room, get freaky, and enjoy ourselves.

Gina’s adventures with online dating.

       So I should start off with why I started the fun process of online dating. It had to do with two close friends, and one horrible-should-of-never-happened-why-did-I-get-myself-into-this-relationship that had just ended. I was emotionally drained, and even a little hurt. So maybe I was rebounding, or just looking to think about anything but what had happened.(I’ll admit it now!) 
      Anyways fast forward from that horrible relationship and a couple of friends always telling me about their dating website adventures. And best friends telling me, "just jump back on the horse" (what horse? I was never even on one.. assholes) One friend seemed to be doing really well on them so I figured, hell why not. So I signed up for two dating websites. First I signed up for E-Harmony. Then Tinder. I’ll share my E-Harmony adventures first. 
    I met exactly one guy off E-Harmony, we’ll call him Roger. After some small talk he and I went on one date. Which was awkward, but I’m just an awkward person. (Meeting me is like meeting someone’s parents for the first time, I can’t help it. I’m just socially awkward) So I didn’t think much of the awkwardness, cause you know I’m so use to it. It’s also nice to see how people react to my awkwardness. (it might all just be a test.. muahaha) So we went on a typical date, dinner then ended up at a movie. Then I didn’t hear from him for awhile, but he also had personal stuff to deal with and he also comes back into this blog story later on.. so bare with me. 
   So after one e-harmony date and me uninterested in people who were messaging me on e-harmony (old, hair, fat, creepy.. so forth) I started talking to a friend who was using Tinder and having a blast with it. So I didn’t know much about Tinder but boy, I would quickly learn. Tinder is for getting laid. Like seriously, if you want to get laid just swipe left ten times and let the messages come in.
   I signed up for Tinder and went on exactly two dates. Let’s start with the first guy. I actually don’t remember his name at all. He is saved in my phone as, "Creepy Guy From Tinder" we met for brunch at broken yolk. (my idea cause I had a sitter at the time, but also in bright daylight for an easy escape..) So Creepy Guy From Tinder and I waited.. cause you know there’s always a freaking line at Broken Yolk. So we waited, made small talk. Smoked. (plus for me, its so much easier to date smokers then non-smokers cause then you have to hear them bitch and moan about how you smell like an ashtray.) Anyways, I don’t exactly remember what Creepy Guy From Tinder was saying.. because all I could notice.. all I could see.. were his teeth. Or his.. lack of teeth. 
        Ok, Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a stuck up bitch. I don’t care about physical appearances, short, tall, a little overweight, pimples, small dick, big dick, whatever. I got my own physical faults and issues, so if you can see past mine I can see past yours. You know, as long as you have the personality to go with it. We cool. 
      Ok, back to Creepy Guy From Tinder. Oh shiiitt! I just remembered his name. Darren. Hahaha. Anyways, Darren and I sat politely ordered some food. Got brunchy brunch style cocktails.. and maintained a nice conversation. Right off the bat, I could tell he didn’t have baggage but man he had some personal life issues. 
    Maybe its me? Or maybe he was just a really open easy going person. But he told me stuff about his private life, things he’d been doing and things that had happened to him. What did I do? I sat there like a shrink That’s honestly what I felt like. His shrink. Which is cool, he and I would be great friends. But not even 10mins after he walks me to my car he text me, “I had a great time beautiful I hope to see you again" Hmm.. I love cheesy lines but I can feel when their forced. Needless to say I didn’t go out with Darren again. I do get the occasional text from him.. "hey beautiful how’s your day" .. "just thinking about you gorgeous" 
     I just feel like text like that are copy and pasted. Copy and paste. Copy and paste. Blah. Needless to say it wasn’t his teeth, and he was an attractive tall guy, but it was his creeper status that prevented a second date.
     Then comes date two on Tinder. With someone who we’ll call Carl. Carl was cool, we met at the movie theater to go watch a movie. He was nice and since our movie didn’t start just quite yet we made the long mile walk to Chill’s. He didn’t enjoy the walk. (too far and too hot) I did though. Getting outside and walking through a parking lot isn’t a bother to me. So we eat at Chill’s order some food. Yum. I love Chili’s. He was also the only guy out of three dates who let me pay. (some of you might see that as negative, but I don’t!)
     Anyways we finally end up at the movie, good movie. He was cool, easy going and flirtatious. Which I enjoyed because it wasn’t over the top. But to me his intentions were clear. Complete and total Tinder intentions. (Tinder Intentions: I wanna bang you, why are we watching this movie) So while I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship at this point in time, I also wasn’t looking to be an easy lay.
      I wouldn’t say I wouldn’t go out with him again, we still communicate through random text but the vibes I got from him weren’t the vibes I was looking for.
   Then, enter back Roger. Out of the blue he hits me back up, so I figured oh right why not. I haven’t given second dates a chance yet so let’s see what happens. Second date.. I can’t exactly remember what we did.. but I think it was fun because we went out again next weekend or was it the weekend following next weekend? I can’t remember.
     Anyways Roger and I had fun, dates here and there, staying the night at his place, getting food cooked for me, he even met a couple of my friends who actually liked him. (You bitches have never liked anyone I’ve dated or introduced to you, so damn picky) And he was down to go out and meet my friends. Which thinking about it now, had a lot more to do with the fact that he was new in town.
   Even with multiple dates, and the process of getting to know each other he felt secretive but I enjoy puzzles so I ventured forward. There was a couple moments of awkward silence but that might of just been me.  
Anyways fast forward to a couple more dates and nights out at the bar I realized something crazy (or something crazy for Gina at least)
    Holly grail, crap on a bucket, For the first time in two years since birthing a little human being. Me, of all people. Realized I wanted a committed, serious relationship. This was something that I was starting to realize online dating could not offer me. 
     So with my realization of me wanting something serious, I like a blunt pussy proceeded to tell Carl (who I maintained texting conversations with, but never went on a second date with because I was curious to see where things were going with Roger) and Roger that hey, I want something serious. I’m vibing from you that you don’t see this going that way so lets just be friends before I get attached. (yes I did it through text, Yes I know)
      Because let’s get real. As the girl who’s wanted to be single and remain single for the past two years. It’s not really about not wanting a relationship- its about that person if you feel like they are a good fit for a relationship for you. It’s annoying to hear, “oh I’m not ready for a relationship” when it can honestly be said with, “I just don’t see myself in a relationship with you, banging you and hanging out with you is fun tho.. soo” Because honestly lets admit it, when you meet someone you know after a couple of dates where the relationship is heading. You know what you want from the person. 
   So I remained blunt, firm and stuck to my gut and the told Roger what I wanted, and how I knew he felt (sadly for me not the same but he’s cool we cool and can hopefully be great friends). In the end even though I know I came off to strong, I have no regrets. Because I am women hear me roar. No sorry, ha. Because I’m 25 years old with a child and I know what I want in this moment in time. The one thing I wanted, was the last thing I expected to want. (I thought I just wanted to date casually and have fun)
        I won’t apologize for it but I also know how to read people. It’s better to be honest and upfront and also risk putting yourself out there. Even if you may not like the response. But I also know everything happens for a reason, so whatever and whoever comes next.. I’m ready for it. 
    One things for sure, though I won’t be finding it online. I want something serious, beautiful, something so great that it consumes you, someone who I’d be interested in bringing around my daughter. I plan on remaining blunt with the next guy I date, even if it scares him off. So happily single I remain. So what’s next real world?

The sixty thoughts I have when I see a member of the opposite sex

1. You are cute
2. Would I sleep with you?
3. Probably. Yea. I guess.
4. Are you hitting on me or just being nice or wait am I the grenade you’re catching for your friend?
5. Great now I can’t remember your name
6. Ohhh you love rock music so do I let’s get married
7. Now I’m imagining dating you long term.. ehh
8. I wonder how big your d.. is.
9. Do I smell.. wait do you smell
10. Now I’d definitely sleep with you. M
11. Am I being friend zoned
12. Wait I think I’m friend zoning you
13. Nope you just got out of there
14. Wait you just scratched your inner ear and pretended to scratch your nose. I know you were smelling your finger
15. I wonder if you’re a good kisser
16. Man look at those teeth
17. Our wedding would be horrible I’d probably cheat on you in Vegas
18. Maybe I wouldn’t
19. Now you’re readjusting your nut sack. Am I not supposed to stare?
20. Wait you’ve been staring at my boobs the past ten mins I can stare at your crotch
21. How long have I been staring at your crotch?
22. Is this our first date?
23. Now he’s staring at that other chick.. bitcchhes both of them
24. He has something in his teeth.. well at least he has teeth
25. It’s only been twenty mins
26. Can he hold a conversation
27. Great awkward silence
28. Hmm bum bum bum
29. Did I feed my dogs?
30. I guess I’d still sleep with you
31. Should I keep it classy and wait like ten dates?
32. Do I really even wanna see you for ten dates, should I just hit it and quit it?
33. Friend zone. Friend zone. Boner town and then friend zone?
34. I can’t decide.
35. Where’s the alcohol?
36. Is that line supposed to impress me?
37. Wait I just did my little girl flirty giggle with the hand on his knee.
38. I hope he knows I don’t want anything serious
39. I just farted. Should I tell him?
40. I wonder if anyone switched my laundry
41. Ohh now you’re talking about you’re ex girlfriend.. who you called girlfriend and ex girlfriend
42. Baggage buddy baggage!
43. Well its not like I can see us being seriois
44. Should I bring up my exes? Is this the story of the exes battle I think I’d win
45. Now you’re talking about your family aww.. now we’re back in Boner town
46. I’m bored. I could of been doing… wait now your entertaining me again
47. Great battle of the check. If he doesn’t reach for it I’m not going out again.
48. Is he asking to do something else? I guess my cat can wait to eat
49. Wait I don’t have a cat
50. Wait how old is he, I should ask him how he spells his name cause I don’t remember
51. Should we do this again?
52. Now time for goodbyes. I guess I enjoyed this.
53. He keeps looking at his phone just answer it dude!
54. Well he answered
55. Now I can look at my phone. 10 new text and instagram likes. Yay!
56. Now time for goodbyes.. A uh a uh hug handshake uhh
57. Well that was awkward
58. Yea bro bye
59. Friend zone boom town friend zone boom town.. friend zone hmm
60. Oh Netflix how I can’t wait to curl up with you.

What’s next, no really, like, what’s next?

My life was simple up until a couple of months ago. Majorly due to my own faults, but I can’t say that I actually regret any of my actions. At that moment in time I wanted it, I wanted him so carelessly that I didn’t care about the fall out or the actions. The fallout was greater then I thought they would be but still, I’m completely ok with them and I know everything happens for a reason. I don’t know the whole reason yet but there is beauty behind this, and my life isn’t ugly and it isn’t broken. I’ve never been more on track and headed in the right direction then I am right now. I’ve never been more ok with who I am… and I’ve also never known more then at this moment right here, right now where I am going and what’s coming next. While at the same time not knowing what else life is going to send my way, but I know it’ll be beautiful and amazing.

I lost one of my best friends recently, someone I considered to be like a sister. But I am completely ok with it. She didn’t accept the decissons I was making, choices that I should mention have nothing to do with her, choices that do not effect my child or hers. But to each their own, if someone doesn’t love you as you are then good bye to them.

As far as men? I don’t know what’s coming but I am having fun dating, seeing what’s out there and what the world has to offer me. Bring it on. Cause while I’m failing Spanish I am kicking ass in ever other aspect of my life. No regrets, no holding back. I’m doing what’s best for my mini me and I.

Connections. Sex. Love. Commitment. They have so much in common yet have nothing in common all at the same time. No nessicito amor. Yet we tend to relate them together so much.

Maybe it was the history or possibility of abuse that turned me on. But even though I miss it? I’m much better for it. I’m happy.. or I’m getting there.

I’m in that dark place 
But I know there’s light 
You’re my heaven
& I’m in hell

I’m in that dark place
But I know there’s light
You’re my heaven
& I’m in hell

I’m
So
Screwed
I
Don’t
Know
How
I
Got
My
Self
Into
This
Situation
But
I’d
Anything
To
Not
Be
In
This
Situation
I
Deserve
Better
I
Need
To
Act
Better
But
Everything
Seems
To
Be
Taking
Hold
And
I
Have
no
Idea
How
To
Stop
It
From
Consuming
Me

I’m not sure how I feel.
But I know that it hurts.
It doesn’t feel good to be in this situation. 
I didn’t think I was capable of feeling this way again.
I knew there was a reason why I didn’t date.
and when I finally put myself out there, 
It got rubbed in my face.
I now get to deal with a fucked up situation on my own.
I get ignored, but I know I deserve better.
Yet I can’t seem to walk away. 
I just wish enough time had passed so I didn’t feel this way anymore.
But choices have been made
Tuesday is set.
and there’s no turning back
i’d never be the type of chick desperate enough to keep something just to try to keep a guy around
at the end of it my choice comes down to my daughter
doing what I need to do to protect her
and that means him not being part of the equation
of anything.
I don’t know why it hurts this bad.
Maybe its the whole fact of wanting someone who never really wanted you that badly.
I bit my own tounge.
I spoke to soon and now I’m here.
and its
me, myself, and I. 
again.
the way it should be. 
I just need to regain focus and find myself.
but I’m not sure where my soul is.

I’m so glad things are done and over with. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I can finally breathe again. It’s relaxing. I freaked out for a little bit.. but I tend to do that every month. This month felt different but there’s reassurance and confirmation that I am not and that one door has officially closed for good and I am on a better path. While I miss him and the feelings are still dwelling I did what I had to do and the best that I could do considering the situation. I am better for it and it am so happy

Even though I’m beyond tired, I’m actually pretty exhausted it’s been a good week. Just a week of working, kaylin, working, kaylin, kaylin, working, and some downtown to myself here and there.

Which brings me to next week starting.. school.. work.. kaylin.. kaylin.. school school.. work.. I need to quit one of my jobs and just have more time to focus on school and kaylin. While I’m doing less school its still such a crazy full-time load. I just hope I don’t burn out! I’m enjoying it, and I actually think I could be able to handle both jobs since they are both part time and having kaylin and school.. it pretty much just depends on my school load and how hard my classes are.. I have a feeling two will be easy and the other two.. will be a struggle.

No habla espanol and I’m taking spanish two and I’ve already forgotten everything from spanish one. 

A
an 
Amos
nosotros 

Tu
..

something like that, hopefully it comes back to me or I can watch a youtube video. My personal life, outside of my amazing daughter and work and school.. is good. Really good. Things are picking up, changing… and I’m ready for it.

J and I.. are.. well what we always are. A simple nothing, with a touch of.. something? I don’t know how else to describe it, it’s easy.. it relaxes me. It’s nice to miss someone without missing them too much and knowing that they miss you too. As well as having someone there who is able to meet .. or mostly meet your physical needs. I’m pretty certian it’ll run its course after this semester with him starting school and me going full time in everything.. but it was a fun summer.. hopefully there’s a couple times out of it.. hah.. its good though.. no one’s attached, no one’s jealous.. and no one’s getting hurt.. it’s good vibes all around.

I’m dating.. or starting to date. It’s complicated haha. We’ll see how these potential dates pan out.. I still don’t want something serious but.. I’m deff curious to see what happens next with these dates.. potential dates.. even if they go horribly.. I’m excited.

life’s great.. now if only i could get an extra week off of school.

I want it all!

I want it all, and now I know that I’m more then capable of getting it. There’s so many things that I haven’t done, or that I’ve stopped myself from doing because I didn’t feel capable or worthy.. but it’s no longer like that. I want everything and anything that’s left after that. Because I know I can get it and I deserve it. 
My health, my body, my beauty, my school, my work, my daughter, my dating life, my single life, and everything in-between. I am more then capable of having a handle on it and still being the best fucking mother and father I know I can be. 
On that note, I’m busting my ass working, school, and having a very lack of a social life for my child.. (with the exception of an occasional fling or so..) In the end I know it will pay off. I’m missing out on somethings, but I still get all the time in the world with her. I get to work, go to school and I get to have fun. She is happy, healthy, balanced and her psychological and physical needs are beyond met. 

An Addict’s Mentality.

Does the mentality of an addict ever change? I don’t believe so. I believe its possible for an addict to become sober that’s pretty obvious but for an addict to change the ways that they learned as an addict is something I’ve never seen. I’m not talking about all addicts, but just some of them. 
The ability to lie, manipulate to get their drugschanges and they place their manipulation into other things, other aspects of their lives. It’s something so subtle I don’t believe that they notice it, but as an addict you know what you want, you know how to get it it, you know the right things to say and do to get it and then you place your mind onto getting it. It’s the same thing. 
Everything just becomes replaced. 
So if an addict is using their powers they learned as a drunk for good, then that’s not really an issue. It’s when becoming involved with an addict and their old techniques they use to use as an addict turn into hurting other people, not with drugs or their addiction because at this point its taken care of but when they apply that mentality into other aspects of their lives. It becomes dangerous. 
It could be said the same of everyone, we know how to get something we want, if we want it badly enough we know what words to use and how to play it. It’s like when we’re a child and we really wanted that piece of candy, (think of psychology learning and behavior) its the same methods that an addict uses, that we tend to use as well. However it comes off differently from an addict. 
They still get cold, harsh, and cruel if they don’t obtain what it is that they are looking for. It’s a dangerous cycle, but no matter how sober the person becomes that cycle tends to still be there. 
I’m not saying its always bad, but a tiger can shed its fur but it can never change its stripes. 

Which brings me to a future paper I hope to write. The mentality of individuals in A.A (the 12 step program, attending meetings and so forth) what happens, and how often is the line between recovering addicts using each other crossed.  How often are women or men who are attending A.A meetings preyed upon by the opposite or same sex? 

A.A meetings are a place of safety, where members can talk about their addictions, and whatever else they have going on. But how often have I heard from A.A members that, “it’s so easy to get laid at a meeting, I don’t even have to try” or how often have I heard, “I need to be careful, people have warned me about men/women who prey on new members” a place of safety which leads to other types of violence? addiction? Where is the line drawn and how often does this line get crossed.
In the society that is A.A i’ve heard that, “its a right of passage, you learn”  

Well iiiiiiii am into deeep