I’m not sure how I feel.
But I know that it hurts.
It doesn’t feel good to be in this situation. 
I didn’t think I was capable of feeling this way again.
I knew there was a reason why I didn’t date.
and when I finally put myself out there, 
It got rubbed in my face.
I now get to deal with a fucked up situation on my own.
I get ignored, but I know I deserve better.
Yet I can’t seem to walk away. 
I just wish enough time had passed so I didn’t feel this way anymore.
But choices have been made
Tuesday is set.
and there’s no turning back
i’d never be the type of chick desperate enough to keep something just to try to keep a guy around
at the end of it my choice comes down to my daughter
doing what I need to do to protect her
and that means him not being part of the equation
of anything.
I don’t know why it hurts this bad.
Maybe its the whole fact of wanting someone who never really wanted you that badly.
I bit my own tounge.
I spoke to soon and now I’m here.
and its
me, myself, and I. 
again.
the way it should be. 
I just need to regain focus and find myself.
but I’m not sure where my soul is.

I got myself into a situation, a situation that could have easily been avoided and one that I know is my own fault. I caught feelings for someone who would never feel the same way about me, I thought I was better then that and that I wuld be able to handle my feelings, but slowly I felt myself falling.. and falling.. so that lead to me pushing and pushing. Eventually the end result is that I got what I wanted, me, alone.
I just didn’t think I would have to go through the situation alone. I thought he was better then that, that I deserved better. I know I deserve better then that. I’m so hurt and empty.

I wanted a reason to fail, and I gave myself one.

I don’t know who I am anymore, and I don’t know why I made the choices that I did and why I didn’t see this coming. Why I wasn’t able to stop myself even though I knew what could of happened. 

I’m at rock bottom, and it sucks.

I make no apologies.
For my actions, reactions and freak outs.
I handled a fucked up situation the best I could.
Regardless of if it was a situation that I shouldn’t of been in
I’m not perfect, but bitch please I never claimed to be.
He said he knew how I was and continued anyway
That’s what happens when you get into bed with the devil
but I take comfort in knowing, I faked it everytime to feed your ego.
But he who said he’d help me through it
Or he doesn’t think that the situation is his fault

But I put my life on it that it is.
So here I am making excuses as to why.
I already know.
He’s a sorry excuse for a human being.
But hey, I knew that going into it and I knew that the moment I met him
My insticts and psychoanaylsis of people are never wrong.
I just need to learn to listen to them
But curiosity not only killed the cat, it’s taking something else this time.
I make absolutely no apologies for my actions.
Because in the end.. 
& yeah I tried to rationalize by doing what I thought was another choice

& I probaly took out my insane irrationality 
but baby I make no fucking apologies.
All I’ve got to say is.. screw you
Because in the end I am more of a man then you.
And I take responsibility for my actions, without dragging people down
Or ignoring them like a ten year old.
So all I’ve got to say is thank God for choices.
I’ve made mine, and I’ve said my peace.
So fuck you J
At least it’ll all be handled tomorrow. 

I’m making a decision that I know is best for my daughter and I. I’m ready for the repercussions, I just didn’t think I would have to go through it alone.I guess that’s what happens when you get into bed with the devil. I knew who he was and what he was about. I knew the situation, and I knew what was possible. But I continued to stupidly do them anyways, maybe its all my own fault and its why I’m dealing with the consequences on my own. But I’m OK. I’m better then I thought I would be. It hurts but pain comes and goes; I won’t miss this feeling. But this is the best outcome and in the end I knew we’d stop talking eventually I just thought it would be because of school or life, not because of a situation like this. And I never thought that he would just ignore me, I thought I would at least get an, “ok thanks for letting me know I hope you’re ok I’m here for you if you need to talk” maybe its because he doesn’t think its his situation or his problem, but I know for a fact that it is. But that’s how the story goes when you get into bed with the devil and you’ve barely got a soul. 

somehow I’m thankful, my family.. my choices.. my life.. I’m doing what’s best.. this is just a road bump.

I’m so glad things are done and over with. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I can finally breathe again. It’s relaxing. I freaked out for a little bit.. but I tend to do that every month. This month felt different but there’s reassurance and confirmation that I am not and that one door has officially closed for good and I am on a better path. While I miss him and the feelings are still dwelling I did what I had to do and the best that I could do considering the situation. I am better for it and it am so happy

I never want to say, so here it is. I’m scared. I backed myself into a corner and getting out of it seems impossible. So I’m taking a way out.. a way that I shouldn’t have taken but I’m going to. Or I should say a way I shouldn’t be taking.. since nothing is final. I know I’m going to be ok. I’ll leave it at that. I’m doing what I need to and what is needed for myself and family. I’m fucking exhausted. 

Side

You and I 
Should have never started
We touch it’s not something to walk away from
It’s the way we are
You think you understand me
and I think read you so easily
But we both know what’s on the surface

We’re both unavailable
But we feed on the greed of the need
Of wanting each other
We’ll never be together
You think you’ve got me
and I think I’ve got you
but we’re both just crazy
Cause we know where this stands

Cause’ you call me baby
and I say I miss you
but we’re not enough for each other
Even though in the end we’re the same
Our hearts are unattainable
(x3)

You’re angry with your walls up
Playing games, without a care
Denying every tear, you allow no fears
You say I miss you
and I call you baby
I’m neurotic; your favorite kind
I say I miss you
and you call me baby

But we’re not each other’s only ones
You and I
You and I
The truth is that there’s no you and I

Even though I’m beyond tired, I’m actually pretty exhausted it’s been a good week. Just a week of working, kaylin, working, kaylin, kaylin, working, and some downtown to myself here and there.

Which brings me to next week starting.. school.. work.. kaylin.. kaylin.. school school.. work.. I need to quit one of my jobs and just have more time to focus on school and kaylin. While I’m doing less school its still such a crazy full-time load. I just hope I don’t burn out! I’m enjoying it, and I actually think I could be able to handle both jobs since they are both part time and having kaylin and school.. it pretty much just depends on my school load and how hard my classes are.. I have a feeling two will be easy and the other two.. will be a struggle.

No habla espanol and I’m taking spanish two and I’ve already forgotten everything from spanish one. 

A
an 
Amos
nosotros 

Tu
..

something like that, hopefully it comes back to me or I can watch a youtube video. My personal life, outside of my amazing daughter and work and school.. is good. Really good. Things are picking up, changing… and I’m ready for it.

J and I.. are.. well what we always are. A simple nothing, with a touch of.. something? I don’t know how else to describe it, it’s easy.. it relaxes me. It’s nice to miss someone without missing them too much and knowing that they miss you too. As well as having someone there who is able to meet .. or mostly meet your physical needs. I’m pretty certian it’ll run its course after this semester with him starting school and me going full time in everything.. but it was a fun summer.. hopefully there’s a couple times out of it.. hah.. its good though.. no one’s attached, no one’s jealous.. and no one’s getting hurt.. it’s good vibes all around.

I’m dating.. or starting to date. It’s complicated haha. We’ll see how these potential dates pan out.. I still don’t want something serious but.. I’m deff curious to see what happens next with these dates.. potential dates.. even if they go horribly.. I’m excited.

life’s great.. now if only i could get an extra week off of school.

I want it all!

I want it all, and now I know that I’m more then capable of getting it. There’s so many things that I haven’t done, or that I’ve stopped myself from doing because I didn’t feel capable or worthy.. but it’s no longer like that. I want everything and anything that’s left after that. Because I know I can get it and I deserve it. 
My health, my body, my beauty, my school, my work, my daughter, my dating life, my single life, and everything in-between. I am more then capable of having a handle on it and still being the best fucking mother and father I know I can be. 
On that note, I’m busting my ass working, school, and having a very lack of a social life for my child.. (with the exception of an occasional fling or so..) In the end I know it will pay off. I’m missing out on somethings, but I still get all the time in the world with her. I get to work, go to school and I get to have fun. She is happy, healthy, balanced and her psychological and physical needs are beyond met. 

An Addict’s Mentality.

Does the mentality of an addict ever change? I don’t believe so. I believe its possible for an addict to become sober that’s pretty obvious but for an addict to change the ways that they learned as an addict is something I’ve never seen. I’m not talking about all addicts, but just some of them. 
The ability to lie, manipulate to get their drugschanges and they place their manipulation into other things, other aspects of their lives. It’s something so subtle I don’t believe that they notice it, but as an addict you know what you want, you know how to get it it, you know the right things to say and do to get it and then you place your mind onto getting it. It’s the same thing. 
Everything just becomes replaced. 
So if an addict is using their powers they learned as a drunk for good, then that’s not really an issue. It’s when becoming involved with an addict and their old techniques they use to use as an addict turn into hurting other people, not with drugs or their addiction because at this point its taken care of but when they apply that mentality into other aspects of their lives. It becomes dangerous. 
It could be said the same of everyone, we know how to get something we want, if we want it badly enough we know what words to use and how to play it. It’s like when we’re a child and we really wanted that piece of candy, (think of psychology learning and behavior) its the same methods that an addict uses, that we tend to use as well. However it comes off differently from an addict. 
They still get cold, harsh, and cruel if they don’t obtain what it is that they are looking for. It’s a dangerous cycle, but no matter how sober the person becomes that cycle tends to still be there. 
I’m not saying its always bad, but a tiger can shed its fur but it can never change its stripes. 

Which brings me to a future paper I hope to write. The mentality of individuals in A.A (the 12 step program, attending meetings and so forth) what happens, and how often is the line between recovering addicts using each other crossed.  How often are women or men who are attending A.A meetings preyed upon by the opposite or same sex? 

A.A meetings are a place of safety, where members can talk about their addictions, and whatever else they have going on. But how often have I heard from A.A members that, “it’s so easy to get laid at a meeting, I don’t even have to try” or how often have I heard, “I need to be careful, people have warned me about men/women who prey on new members” a place of safety which leads to other types of violence? addiction? Where is the line drawn and how often does this line get crossed.
In the society that is A.A i’ve heard that, “its a right of passage, you learn”  

J.. came down for a day, or less haha.
I’m really happy that he did, it was fun.. reckless but fun.
Really, really, really, really, reckless
Like, “Gina why do you keep doing it when you know the possible consequences?” 
it might be because its such a turn on, even the consequences are a turn on. The want, the need, the feel consumes me and just takes over..its so physical I have no emotional control.
I love our arrangement.. while I wish it was more convenient and that there were less strings attached, the whole part of missing someone.. makes you want them more so I really enjoy that. I’m guilty I know, but I’m also unapologetic.

I also just, need to start being safe about it. Being adamant. It’s been two months of this.. so let’s see how long it can last. Two months and three visits? It’s perfect for the life of Gina right now.

However, it’s disgusting the way he talks about women, the way he talks about certain things. It’s rude, low and rather really immature. There’s no respect, no line, no boundaries. But shit, that’s not what I’m looking for. The perfect guy for my needs at this moment, this ain’t love, love has nothing to do with it, it ain’t about anything besides having a.. “decent’ conversation and some good sex. Not the best sex, but its pretty damn great. And if I can continue to get it with how it is right now?

No drama.
No feelings.
No attachment.
No jealousy.
Nothing.. but sex, coffee and smokes. 
It’s the perfect situation, since I would never find myself falling in love with this guy, yet I still manage to have such a strong attraction to him.. its the perfect.. Friends With Benefits.. situation. I hope nothing changes, because it’s keeping my private parts happy. 

————

Plot twist

Don’t get it twisted. You know what I want you to know about me, nothing more nothing less. How you perceive me is exactly what I asked for.

Except for s.
I didn’t think you’d go to those levels with me. I know we’ve fought and shits gotten ugly but you’ve never been disrespectful or absolutely cold to me. So for this to come from you? For you to go there with me? To go to the darkest parts of my soul that had been nicely kept away and taken care of? For you to bring them up to me and use them against me hurts more then anything I said or didn’t want from you. I should of left it as a nicely broken up exes relationship because you took it to far.

The one thing I’d never thought you’d say to me you said. It’s cold.

Because I was sleeping with j? Because I was letting something consume me that means nothing but sex? You really think I’d disrespect myself that much or be that stupid to think a relationship would work with someone like that? I told you what he was to me and what you were and where I stood on everything. He gets it and he’s fine with it. How could you not be? You know me better and while I love the fact that you say I’m lessening my worth by doing what I was doing with j. It was exactly what I wanted. Hello he’s sleeping around got girls on speed dial. You really thought I was still that version of Gina who’d want more from a narcissistic compulsive liar who tries to fill his emotional void with women?

Um. S.. I’m not eighteen years old anymore. Did you ever think that it could of been the other way around. That I was using him more then he was using me? That I wanted it because I enjoyed the attention. The sex and it was easy because it was easy to have and easy to quit. Who are you to tell me what I can’t and can’t do?
I’m sorry I hurt you.. but what you did was lower then what I did or where I would ever go.

So fuck you. Who the fuck cares what irrational choices I make. They aren’t yours to judge.

Well iiiiiiii am into deeep